Napalm, Smoke Bombs, A Tarantula and Nitroglycerin
by batman100
Summary: Ever wonder why the X-Men NEVER allow Pyro to go out alone for shopping? Here's the hilarious reason why, with random insanity and a giant tarantula


**Napalm, Smoke Bombs, a Tarantula and Nitroglycerin by Batman100**

**The disclaimer saying I do not own X-Men: Evolution has been destroyed by a tank of nitro and squashed by a tarantula. Obviously, Pyro caused that. Anyway, here's another fun-filled tale of craziness from my very teeny tiny little kooky mind. Enjoy!**

Jean Grey paced back and forth around the carpet in the library hall in the X-Mansion, lost in dismal thought. About several hours ago, she sent Pyro, the resident pyromaniac to stop by the supermarket to purchase new supplies for the main laboratory elevator, which has been placed out of commission after yet another mishap caused by the two jokers, Gambit and of course, Jean's ever so hyperactive husband, Scott.

She knew the X-Mansion has been through quite a lot of chaotic events, especially a rather bizarre moment when a crazed Cannonball, apparently under the influence of a highly powerful new medication that had some rather 'disastrous' effects, destroyed half the Danger Room, mangled Xavier's wheelchair to a pulp of metal, and started chasing Sunspot around the house, mistaking him for Magneto; resulting in several insurance payments, the wheelchair being scrapped and rebuilt, and Cannonball straight-jacketed and placed in a mental ward for two weeks before being released for clinical studying. Jean still had the marks on her hair when Cannonball hounded her like a crazed mountain lion, only to bear the raging wrath of Scott, who pummeled the latter to his senses

And, with having Pyro head into the city **without supervision**, Jean realized the inevitable catastrophe that would result. She had at least hoped Pyro wouldn't be gone long. Probably refueling his car, not burning the gas station down, even though that would seem to fit his unhinged personality.

And the crazed fire master hasn't been seen around the mansion for over three hours. Jean was about to head for her motorcycle and go after Pyro, when right on cue, who showed up but the masters of disaster themselves, Scott and Remy

"Hey Jean. How's it going? Did the elevator get fixed yet? My legs are killing me after walking up them long winding staircases." Remy moaned, clutching his left knee.

"The elevator has **not** been fixed yet, since you two fiddled with the rocket boosters on the elevator car last month. So, in order to keep you two out of trouble, I sent Pyro out to get the repair tools needed for the elevator." Jean explained firmly. Scott and Remy absorbed what they heard before Scott spoke

"Hold on a minute. Pyro and…" Scott started before Jean shushed him

"No. Having one of the more wild students accompany Pyro would only get him riled up and most likely burn down the supermarket. So I thought it'd be better to let him do the job alone." Jean explained, as Scott and Remy's eyes went wide in terror

"You let PYRO go off into the STREETS?!" Scott yelped

"ALONE?! JEAN, WHAT IN THE HECK HAVE YOU DONE?!" Remy shrieked, before grabbing Jean by her coat lapel, shaking her hysterically

"Get off me and get a hold of yourself! Pyro can handle a simple solo errant. There's no need for panicking like the whole world's gone mad." Jean hissed

"Jean, do you remember what happened the **last** time you did this crazy stunt?" Scott asked hesitantly

"No, I most certainly **not**." Jean snorted

"Then, mon frère, allow me to refresh your memory." Remy started, letting Scott handle it

"See, it was last month during Summer Splash Week, that you had Pyro head out to the swim store to buy a few scuba gear, some Speedos and a few pool chemicals. Then a few hours later, Pyro calls in from a dingy bar in Queens and says he's getting himself boozed up. So then **you** sent Colossus and Kurt to go get him…" Scott started

"And a few seconds later they **also** got drunk. So then you sent the entire New Mutants to get them, and sure enough they **also** got drunk." Remy added in

"So then you pulled out the big bazookas and had Wolverine, Storm, Sabretooth, Beast, Iceman and the entire X-Force team after them, only to also succumb to booze. Then the MPs showed up to get the guys outta the bar, but they too got liquored up, naturally." Scott continued

"Yeah, yeah. And then they started this mile-long conga that started from Manhattan right down to the mansion. And then came the infamous 'Fire-Eating' incident which resulted in…" Remy started before Jean snapped

"ALL RIGHT! I **GET** IT!" Jean barked, "I told you two hooligans **never** to mention that! And for the love of all things topped on spaghetti and mozzarella cheese sticks, I do not ever, **EVER** want to know why the bloody hell I got mixed with Wolverine, Colossus, Beast, an IRS agent and the President of Corporate Funding in that fountain of hot fudge dip!"

"Well, to be fair, it was pretty dang embarrassing." Scott meekly replied as Jean patted him on the back

"Though it was pretty darn funny, too." Remy giggled under his breath before seeing the fiery glare Jean gave him

"I heard that, wise guy." Jean hissed as Remy shrank into a whimpering huddle

"Really, Jean, the point is Pyro is positively, absolutely **NOT** committed to handle a single shopping thing! The guy is a walking, breathing, and BURNING tornado of chaos! Every single assignment you give him always ends in disaster! Don't you think you should re-consider him taking those course exams again? **Especially** the Mental Complexity course he **cheated** on?" Scott asked pleadingly as Jean rubbed her forehead

"You do realize, that if I don't have you two court-martialed for all your little shenanigans, I would seriously consider dropping a piano on Pyro's head if he ever comes back." Jean snapped

"Oh, yeah, that's some big **if**, all right." Scott guffawed, nudging Remy in the shoulder

"And what do you find funny about questioning my authority?" Jean snapped, seeing Scott eye-to-eye

"Lemme put it this way: What if, and I'm just goin' on a bit of a limb here, if Pyro **does** come back, you give us about, hmmm… $350 every week, plus our paychecks get increased." Remy offered, dollar signs shining in his and Scott's eyes

"WHAT?! $350 EVERY WEEK! OUTRAGEOUS! I **refuse** to fall for your crazy get-rich-quick scams again, like that fiasco you two caused in Germany last April!" Jean snarled

"Ok, ok. But if Pyro **doesn't** return home, then **you** get to have us do whatever you want. Trim your toenails, wash your car, fan you, give you a pedicure, tape your soap operas, feed you breakfast in bed, clean your laundry…" Remy listed as Jean's eyes lit in amusement to that idea

"So let me get this straight: If Pyro comes back with the things, you two get free money for how many weeks you need plus extra bonuses on your allowances. But, and I do mean **but**, if Pyro doesn't return, then you two have to be my servants for three weeks, with a day off only on weekends. Capeesh?" Jean ordered, in a Don Corleone-like voice

"Sounds good to me. Don't get too cocky though." Remy chuckled before a loud crashing noise was heard in the yard

HONK! HONK!

SCREEEECHHH!

BLAMMMMM!

"WHO THE BLOODY HELL'S RESPONSIBLE FOR BLOWIN' UP ME UNCLE'S TAXI! AGAIN!" Tabitha bellowed "AAAARRGH! GANGWAY! GIANT SPIDER!"

SCREEEECH!

**BOOOOMMMMMMM**

"What in the devil was **THAT?**" Jean roared, as the smells of smoke became visible

"Sounds like our piggy banks getting filled up." Scott giggled, as he and Remy snickered gleefully

"Please, great Allah, don't let it be what I think it is…" Jean moaned, entering the front driveway

Colossus, Kitty, Logan, Tabitha, Kurt and Rogue were gathered around a burnt Chevy pick-up truck. Several burnt bags were in the front seat, the leather seats mangled, and to everyone's surprise, a giant Brazilian tarantula was perched in the driving seat

"Ok! Who's the dang asshole who tried to destroy my garage…" Jean stammered, facing the large spider eyeing her hungrily. It seemed to have a fondness for red hair…or meat

"Ugh… Sheila? Who the bloody hell tuned out the blinking lights?" A voice groggily murmured

"PYRO! PYRO WHERE IN THE SAM HILL ARE YOU, YOU CRAZED BRAINLESS MANIAC…" Jean bellowed, searching through the wreckage

"You sure Firebug's in that bucket of metal, Logan?" Victor asked sheepishly as Logan snorted

"No, you dummy; he's in the tarantula." Logan sneered sarcastically

"WHAT? I'M IN A BLOODY TARANTULA! HOOLY DOOLY I NEVER KNEW SPIDERS WERE THIS BLEEDIN' HUGE! HELP! CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA!" Pyro screamed hysterically as Jean rustled through the scrapped seats looking for him

"OH, YOU'LL BE CRYING FOR ARGENTINA, ALL RIGHT, AS SOON AS I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!" Jean bellowed, foam dripping out of her mouth

"Yep, I guessed it; he's boozed." Sam snorted, rolling his eyes before asking Jean "By the way, why the hell did you let him drive that truck anyhow?"

"Jean, don't! Don't snitch!" Remy pleaded, grabbing Jean by the feet, kissing her hands

"Oh for the love of Pete, get off me! Geez, I just **hate** seeing a mutant grovel! Disgusting!" Jean hissed, booting Remy off before saying "Sam, I let Pyro drive down to the market by himself to get some tools for fixing the elevator."

"WHAT?!" the X-Men gasped in horror

"Jean, I've said this once, a million times, I'll do it again… Can you EVER learn to keep your big yapper shut?!" Scott shrieked

"Jean, have you gone off the DEEP END?! Asking that maniac to run a shopping spree is like his bad habit of burping while eating watermelon!" Rogue snapped

"Yeah, out of the **zillion** bad habits he has! Then again… where the hell would he find a giant exotic spider at Shop N' Spend?" Jean asked before Pyro himself stepped out

"I'M SPIDER FOOD! I… I CAN SEE! IT'S A MIRACLE!" Pyro yelped, wearing a tattered Russian diplomat outfit, large metal clodhoppers, weird googly-eye glasses on his face, and a Groucho Marx moustache

"Yeah, right. I can bloody damn well see **that**. And what in God's holy name are you even wearing?!" Jean snapped

"Why, golly gee, Jeannie (hic-huk!) Today's Jolly Kraut Und Weiner day! I got to attend some German beer drinking contest, and they gave me all this!" Pyro babbled drunkenly

"What?! Pyro, how many times have I told you not to attend those ridiculous drinking contests! What else did you get…apart from a major headache?" Jean groaned, rolling her eyes

"Not to mention a **HUGE** destruction of property!" Tabitha growled, pointing to her now dismantled family taxi cab

"And let's just say while Pyro was out getting his brains all drained, look what the hell he bought from the market…apart from **this** thing?" Remy groaned, before gasping as he saw Scott perched on the tarantula, twirling a cowboy lasso

"Ok, a mutant wrangling a giant Brazilian tarantula. Now I've seen everything." Rogue snorted sarcastically

"SCOTT! GET OFF THAT SPIDER! IT'S POISONOUS!" Jean screamed as the spider stroked Scott's hair with its leg

"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. I think Ol' Eight Legs likes him." Victor replied happily, a tear of joy dripping as the tarantula pulled Scott in closer like a hug, the X-Men in awe

"That's so cute. I got to get a photo of this!" Evan sniffled joyfully, snapping a photo

"Can I keep it? Can I, Jean? Please?" Scott begged, with a huge puppy dog look on his face

"Ok, fine. Keep him." Jean groaned, before grinning widely and planting a large smooch on the tarantula's head

"Did she just?" Sam started, gaping in shock

"Yup. Never thought I'd see the day Red would start bonding with a large spider. (Hic)" Pyro belched drunkenly

"What are we gonna do with these?" Warren asked, carrying a crate of nitroglycerin, napalm and a carton of smoke bombs.

"Take it to the lab. I'll have Hank re-adjust the things." Jean smiled, watching Scott stand on the hill, on his newfound tarantula

"Heigh-ho, Silver!" Scott bellowed heroically, cracking his whip in triumph


End file.
